‘Hospital La Casa’ – The Movie, by Petra

Sundays
It’s Sunday and I am half laying in my bed up in the attic. There is a different vibe around Sundays in La Casa and it’s a good place to be. According to the community information on the website, this day “may also be used for inner contemplation and rest”. This gives me full permission to take my time and write it all down, the thoughts and feelings I’ve experienced lately.

Assignments
Yesterday Drew and I got the assignment to work on the text “Community” for the Living Miracles Europe page. Besides the paragraph where David tells what the community is and what it is not, a second paragraph really still affects me deeply: “It’s an ongoing living devotional, a place to be completely authentic, to drop the mask… to learn to trust and feel safe… to question all opinions and assumptions and be humble… to expose your thoughts while your brothers hold the Truth for you… to collaborate, to express and extend… to be in communion, to learn communication, to learn how to love… to open to true intimacy and to practice real relationships”.

Movie
Man, I mean it is as if I am just beginning to see glimpses of the purpose of being here and it feels like far too… intimate : ) Yes, that’s how it feels, an intense “yuck”-feeling comes up, leaving me wanting to vomit. It is as if we, the others and me in the house are acting in a movie 24/7. My character is called Petra but actually she fancied the role of ‘Trinity’ in ‘The Matrix’. That’s another movie and not for here and now. I strongly feel she has to come to terms with this ‘Petra role’, to clearly get in touch with it in order to rise above it and play her part well in accordance with the others.

Role “Petra”
What is it for now to be the ‘Petra’?! It feels like my character is built on two pillars. On the one hand there is a strong autonomous part, independent and streetwise and she thinks she knows what’s best for her and everyone involved. On the other hand there is a highly sensitive childlike part who is easily overwhelmed by her senses. Sounds, colours, smells, tastes and touch can move this kid to tears within a nano-second.

Petra – and she hates the name by the way – feels like going over the top with either part of her role. If not guarded properly, she overacts with being too bossy and dominant or she withdraws herself completely from the set because the kid is coming up and she is not allowed to show that to the audience. She is convinced the small child is a very pathetic part and it only behaves that way in order to draw attention to itself. This attention is rare and is actually needed for the others on the set. This all leaves Petra with a lot of shame, embarrassment and a firm intention to do it better next time.

Spiritual hospital
Aaaaah, this all may sound very weird. A great deal of the time I am still identified with this “Petra” role and I get caught up in the (inter)action with the others in the film house. In order to rise above it and to have the space to let all the underlying emotions come up it feels helpful to me to be in a very quiet and picturesque environment. Besides that to have clear guidelines, including how to communicate with others in a truly helpful way. Whenever it all goes “wrong” again there are the two “Swedish sweets” Jenny (Morpheus in the Matrix) and Li  (The only real Trinity) for 1-on-1’s, which feels like a healing balm to my barbwire-like mind.

So yes, you might say that we are nuts and actually are living in a mental hospital. In order not to make us even more confused the staff decided to use the term “La Casa”. I like it together with the words “Spiritual Hospital”. It makes me think of the scene where Neo (Matrix) lays down with acupuncture needles in his body while Morpheus is telling him with a fatherly intonation: “You rest now”. It feels like being on the right track, of becoming One after all. To be continued…