On Irritation, by Sharon

Here in the community we do projects as backdrops to bring up hidden concepts, beliefs, and feelings for us to expose and release to the Holy Spirit. No big deal; it seemed kind of benign and non-productive. Minor irritations surface during the everyday routine. However, underneath that minor irritation there may be something major. We were discussing the issue of sunlight entering the room where we watch movies and Sue gave the “go ahead” to purchase new, room-darkening curtains. Wanting to contribute to the community I spoke up and offered a cheaper solution. Just add a lining to the back of the existing curtains. I had unwittingly volunteered for the project. Sue instructed me not to worry about it being perfect. Again, no big deal. I can do this. They even had a sewing machine if I needed it. Sue and I got the material needed and then I went to work. It wasn’t as minor a deal as I first thought and my ego had a hay day. I started by hand and then decided it would go much faster with the sewing machine. Spirit sent me an angel, by the name of Yvonne, to help me. Yvonne and I worked together to remember how to set up the sewing machine and Yvonne watched patiently as I tried to figure out the best way to go about my project. I asked for suggestions and ideas but I didn’t listen to any of them. My perfectionism kicked in as I struggled with myself to let go and let God. I let go of perfection, but I didn’t “let God.”  The first curtain was pure crap. I wrestled with all my feelings of failure, inadequacy, humiliation, frustration, self-judgment, blaming, etc. that arose.

Perhaps it will be helpful to remember that no one can be angry at a fact. It is always an interpretation that gives rise to negative emotions, regardless of their seeming justification by what appears as facts. Regardless, too, of the intensity of the anger that is aroused. It may be merely slight irritation, perhaps too mild to be even clearly recognized. Or it may also take the form of intense rage, accompanied by thoughts of violence, fantasied or apparently acted out. It does not matter. All of these reactions are the same. They obscure the truth, and this can never be a matter of degree. Either truth is apparent, or it is not. It cannot be partially recognized. Who is unaware of truth must look upon illusions. M-17.4

Sue was gentle and kind as she made a recommendation. Yvonne blessed me with acceptance and support, reminding me that it isn’t about the project, it’s about letting go of self-concepts, being gentle with yourself, and reminding me that I couldn’t do anything wrong. I was embarrassed with the work. I felt so small. Thinking about dealing with feelings is nothing like experiencing them. To expose myself is downright painful. Intense fear of rejection, judgment and separation is so scary. As the curtain assignment continued, so did my spiral down into darkness. Fortunately I had the unconditional Loving support of all my mighty companions here in the community. I once again tackled the curtains, and this time listened to Yvonne as she recommended I invite Spirit in before starting with the curtains. Afterwards, I could hear her ideas as we collaborated with each other on how to proceed. Yvonne gave me support to continue on my own, but not really. Spirit was with me and, actually, Spirit was always with me. When I was working on the second panel/ curtain, Spirit and I had a conversation. I was happy with the way things were unfolding, but it wasn’t perfect. The lines weren’t straight; they were always going a little to the left or to the right. Spirit responded, “But you made the necessary corrections.” I said, “It’s not perfect. I thought that when you are on the Spiritual path and you let go, that everything would be perfect.”  Spirit told me that nothing could ever be perfect in form. Perfection can only be found in Spirit. Looking at the curtain through the eyes of Spirit, I saw that everything was perfect. I noticed that I was at Peace when I was working on the second and third curtains and they both went fairly smoothly. When the sewing machine acted up, I took that as a sign to take a break. When I came back, there were no problems. The Spiritual path is not about the world’s or my concept of perfection. It’s about seeing that everything is just as it should be. It’s about detaching from self-concepts and expectations and inviting Spirit to show me who I really am . Underneath every one of my self-concepts and expectations of how things should look or should be, lies the Power of God’s Love and Peace. When I open my heart, my self concepts and expectations dissolve into the nothingness they always were.