Approaching True Intimacy, by Petra

Posted by on Oct 20, 2013 in Blog, Featured | 7 comments

Approaching True Intimacy, by Petra

Approaching True Intimacy

A while back we saw a romantic comedy called “He is not that into you”. Jenny asked us to observe our minds and feelings while watching. In a light hearted way, it brought out loads of emotions and thoughts around selfconcept regarding relationships and we freely expressed them in a loving way…”

 

Marieke, Catherine & Petra

This was what I’ve posted earlier on Facebooks “Living Miracles Europe”. I had a real funny night after that and I feel a great urge to write it all down. I cannot contain it and it feels as if it will burst out in an unforeseen way if I don’t express this in a structured way.

 

fb snoopy-typing-awayExpressing my thoughts

So many synchronicities and I am afraid it will all water down when I am trying to grasp it in words, but let’s give it a try. I feel so crystal clear it’s about me approaching the true-intimacy-thing and it’s probably the first time in my life I am getting a notion of what this really is all about. I like to keep it all very practical. I mean there are more and more moments of experiencing the Light, but that’s not how I experience it a great deal of the “remaining time”. So let’s go into the specifics.

Fear of intimacy

Yes, definitly I am afraid of intimacy. I never wanted to marry although I witnessed all of my countless cousins doing it properly in a Catholic church and in white. I never wanted to live with a partner not even for one day! I love every child but that stuff has always been a bridge too far for me. Keeping a dog for a pet did seem to be the best option but I didn’t want to bind myself that much. I had my own comfy space and after being “outside” for a while I simply yearned to go back into my safe haven to process it all.

Contrasting experiences

I seem to learn best by going through quite extreme contrasting experiences. So from living on my own for 25 years I felt a strong pull to live in community. Right now I have done so for 9 months (Living Miracles Spain and Utah before this). I clearly see I’ve avoided the 100% intimacy-thing with all the different strategies I had. My “cool” self concept is falling apart right now, it feels like I am losing it all and actually it is a great relief!

fb snoopy approaches-true-intimacy

 

 

 

 

 

I expressed in an earlier stage that I’ve married Spirit and I buzzed and hummed along with these vibes but somehow I know for me this was a stepping-stone heading towards truly involving “others” as well. ‘Till now it always felt like I am leaving a gap between me and ‘others’ and that gap is my safety exit in case it all turns out wrong again.

Gap

Deep down I have the belief that if someone really found out who I am, they could not possibly love me. Yes, I do confirm myself often with words like: ‘no need to feel insecure, you do have some skills and you are right on track’ but in fact this feels like carrying water-to-the-sea, putting endless effort in keeping up a lie, some kind of self-constructed-defense-wall. And from my perspective there still seems to be a “not-to-be-shown and quite pathetic core” as well behind this wall.

Even a worser scenario: if I would open up and someone listens without really being there, I am further from home, because now we both are agreeing it was better not having exposed this. I feel embaressed, ashamed and humiliated on forehand. It feels like being more than doubly rejected. I had thoughts of keeping all this hidden until I had arrived in heaven and then might write a blog around my wonderfull experiences. However I feel strongly that this willingness to expose to whomever, is an essential part of my path. It clears my mind and simply brings me joy! (To be continued soon…)

fb snoopy happy-holding-hands

 

 

 

 

7 Comments

  1. Wonderful, Petra. Take your time. Go slow and step forward. Feel the fear. Cry and cry. And dance the fire. <3

  2. Thank you Petra, it´s like reading an expression of my own feelings – we are walking this path and I really want to be more open to explore and expose what the “remaining time” is about. I have had some “outbursts” of bliss, but when it comes to all these emotions you describe, they have many times been censured by myself long before they were to be expressed.

    So thank you for sharing this, it´s encouraging! Love, Ewa-Britt

  3. Thank Petra! Beautiful….
    Love Jason

  4. I’m so grateful that we’re here together Petra. Thank you for this beautiful sharing. Love you! <3 Li

  5. …So helpful, so unifying. Thanks so, so much, dear Petra….

  6. Beautiful! Thank you for expressing! <3

  7. You are as God Created You…. perfect and full of love…..
    in to me see…… in to you see.
    You expressed beautifully in your writing xxx

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