Approaching True Intimacy, by Petra

Approaching True Intimacy

“A while back we saw a romantic comedy called “He is not that into you”. Jenny asked us to observe our minds and feelings while watching. In a light hearted way, it brought out loads of emotions and thoughts around selfconcept regarding relationships and we freely expressed them in a loving way…”

Marieke, Catherine & Petra

This was what I’ve posted earlier on Facebooks “Living Miracles Europe”. I had a real funny night after that and I feel a great urge to write it all down. I cannot contain it and it feels as if it will burst out in an unforeseen way if I don’t express this in a structured way.

Expressing my thoughts

So many synchronicities and I am afraid it will all water down when I am trying to grasp it in words, but let’s give it a try. I feel so crystal clear it’s about me approaching the true-intimacy-thing and it’s probably the first time in my life I am getting a notion of what this really is all about. I like to keep it all very practical. I mean there are more and more moments of experiencing the Light, but that’s not how I experience it a great deal of the “remaining time”. So let’s go into the specifics.

Fear of intimacy

Yes, definitly I am afraid of intimacy. I never wanted to marry although I witnessed all of my countless cousins doing it properly in a Catholic church and in white. I never wanted to live with a partner not even for one day! I love every child but that stuff has always been a bridge too far for me. Keeping a dog for a pet did seem to be the best option but I didn’t want to bind myself that much. I had my own comfy space and after being “outside” for a while I simply yearned to go back into my safe haven to process it all.

Contrasting experiences

I seem to learn best by going through quite extreme contrasting experiences. So from living on my own for 25 years I felt a strong pull to live in community. Right now I have done so for 9 months (Living Miracles Spain and Utah before this). I clearly see I’ve avoided the 100% intimacy-thing with all the different strategies I had. My “cool” self concept is falling apart right now, it feels like I am losing it all and actually it is a great relief!

I expressed in an earlier stage that I’ve married Spirit and I buzzed and hummed along with these vibes but somehow I know for me this was a stepping-stone heading towards truly involving “others” as well. ‘Till now it always felt like I am leaving a gap between me and ‘others’ and that gap is my safety exit in case it all turns out wrong again.

Gap

Deep down I have the belief that if someone really found out who I am, they could not possibly love me. Yes, I do confirm myself often with words like: ‘no need to feel insecure, you do have some skills and you are right on track’ but in fact this feels like carrying water-to-the-sea, putting endless effort in keeping up a lie, some kind of self-constructed-defense-wall. And from my perspective there still seems to be a “not-to-be-shown and quite pathetic core” as well behind this wall.

Even a worser scenario: if I would open up and someone listens without really being there, I am further from home, because now we both are agreeing it was better not having exposed this. I feel embaressed, ashamed and humiliated on forehand. It feels like being more than doubly rejected. I had thoughts of keeping all this hidden until I had arrived in heaven and then might write a blog around my wonderfull experiences. However I feel strongly that this willingness to expose to whomever, is an essential part of my path. It clears my mind and simply brings me joy! (To be continued soon…)