While living in the Canada community I found myself in annoyingly repetitive conversations with my partner; nothing seemed to change. Finally I had a strong feeling to go deeper within my mind and open up to the Truth. I asked Spirit to show me what I needed to see, and to make it very obvious.

Spirit’s very clear direction was, “Don’t reach out (horizontally), join me!” And in my evening meditation He added, “Marry me,” which I understood as “I want your full commitment. Come to me!” I was thrilled and, though slightly confused, intended to do as He had requested.

But now, here in the Mexico community, it was still going on, I was still stuck in the same repetitive conversations with my partner, and feeling guilty about not following the clear directions Spirit had given me. I realized it was time to trust and follow. I saw, more than ever, how much I had been constantly compromising, people-pleasing and fearing abandonment.

And I saw that because of these fears, I did not fully follow the clear direction of Spirit. I experienced frustration, felt I was stuck in a loop of conversations and behaviors, and wanted to run away from the relationship.

It still took me some time and even more frustration with myself before I took the steps needed. I experienced that I had to not only hear Spirit’s Guidance, but to follow it without compromise! This meant saying things to my partner that apparently would hurt his feelings, which was very challenging for me.

We sat down together and watched Frances Xu’s video about Abandonment or Love, and Frances’ personal sharing about being the victim or victimizer triggered such strong feelings in both of us that we stopped the video and started to talk about our feelings. Beautiful expressions followed, and I made a firm decision not to compromise any more! I had to follow guidance and act as I deeply felt.

After this decision to stop compromising, deeply rooted false beliefs came to the surface. They had been hidden under my fear of never being good enough and my playing the role of the good and always helpful girl.

I also experienced how I criticized myself relentlessly, that I reacted defensively to other people’s requests and that I needed personal recognition for my work. When all this came fully into my awareness, I said, “I don’t want this anymore. This story has to end! I don’t want to be stuck in a reactive mode with the outside world, which is not even real. I am here in this community to see all this differently.”

Immediately after this inner conversation I came directly in touch with my One Goal: to be my True Self and go Home!

This specific morning I sat down in the banana cabana with my Course book and asked Spirit: What would you have me read that is most helpful where I am now? I opened the book and read: “I am entitled to Miracles!” And so it was… cascading miracles followed, one after the other, all in one day! Where before other people seemed to be harsh and authoritative, now I experienced them as loving and kind.

For example, one of my brothers came into the room in which I was working and demanded that I leave. Normally I would have felt mad, unworthy, not important enough or pushed away. But now I paused for a moment, and realized that it didn’t matter, it was a given direction to follow, and it felt good! I just knew somehow that it was in the script, why bother to resist it, so I accepted it.

Another example occurred when my partner was explaining something to me about Photoshop. After the third explanation I still didn’t understand what he was saying. I heard myself saying to myself how stupid I was that I still didn’t get it. I felt this pain so deeply that tears started to flow, and at the same time I truly saw that I could choose differently. I want the Truth! This isn’t real! It’s about time to be gentle with myself and stop criticizing myself. An inner conversation started and I said to Spirit, “I am so done with this pattern, I forgive myself and I give this to you! Take it from me. This is not the Truth.” A warm feeling of release followed and I felt a huge relief in my body and mind.

And on that same day another addictive pattern, needing approval from others, came to the surface. I was copied in an email and saw beautiful loving words about my work, but they were addressed to my brother as if my brother had done the work and not me. I felt unrecognized and unseen. I wanted to be credited for it. When this feeling came back several times I knew I wanted to see this differently. Again I paused for a moment to see what my ego-mind was doing. I saw that this pattern of needing approval was ingrained in many areas of my life, and I didn’t want it anymore! It was only distracting me from knowing who I truly am.

I know real Love comes from within! I know I am not a body and I don’t need another body to love me. I don’t want substitutes for God anymore! Instead I choose being Spirit and being One with God.

Shortly after this decision, the experience of true forgiveness was shown in form. The brother I had all these feelings projected on, and seemingly did not talk to me, walked into my room, hugged me and said, “I love you!” Not only that, in the next couple of days gratefulness for my contributions kept showing up. Wow! I know it is not about the form, but I’m so grateful to see the reflection of my forgiveness in the outside world. It shows that I really chose differently this time! Yay! I’m unwinding the Mind and going Home!

I forgive myself for seeing and believing the illusion as true!
I accept the atonement for myself right Now!