My Experience in Community, by Emily

The past week has been quite emotional for me. There seems to be a lot of darkness coming to the surface and now for the first time in my life I am not running away from it. I always viewed uncomfortable emotions as something to avoid and believed that I had to just get over them without actually dealing with them. I would do anything to escape which would inevitably result in even more pain. I could not see the pattern of what I was doing, I just kept trying to change things in form believing that it would make things better. I often still fall into the trap of trying change things on the level of form as a ‘quick fix’ even though it is anything but, however, it is less frequent now and I usually see that I am off track pretty quickly. Since arriving in community three months ago I have gradually begun to welcome the darkness, knowing that allowing it to surface is how I ultimately let it go. What was previously denied and pushed away is now welcomed and seen as a gift (well most of the time anyway).

Each day I feel that there is a deeper allowance to be authentic, to express how I really feel as opposed to how I think I ‘should’ feel. Mighty companions surround me and in our shared purpose of healing we unite in our journey to Truth.

The fear of exposing can sometimes feel too much to bear but I have learned to be prayerful and ask Spirit to do for me what I feel that I cannot do for myself, trusting that my willingness to hear will always lead to healing. I feel like I am on a roller-coaster ride most of the time, one minute the pain feels like it is too much to bear and the next I am filled with deep gratitude and Love just wants to burst from my heart.

Learning to trust that whatever is given in the present moment is perfect for the healing of my mind has been a powerful lesson for me. I have spent my life trying to control the exterior while paying little attention to the interior. My ‘false’ sense of security came from how things looked in form and for that reason I felt that I needed to control everything. Living in community is slowly undoing that as every day I am given the opportunity to look at how I want to be autonomous and have things ‘my’ way. However, I just keep coming back to the thoughts that ground me, it is all perfect just how it is, everything that I need is given and what is happening now is exactly what I need for the healing of my mind and then I am once again at peace.

There is the opportunity for healing in everything and once I am willing to see that, miracles occur. I had an extremely powerful experience as we watched the movie Song for Marion the other evening. It triggered deep feelings of loss in me over my father’s love. The emotions were so overwhelming but I knew that by just allowing them I was being healed on a deep level. I got in touch with all the pain that had been suppressed and was completely present with it. Just when I thought that I had got it all out, Li came and put her arms around me and the flood gates opened again, I could feel so much love and acceptance in her embrace. Initially I noticed fear arise as I felt unworthy to accept love but then I surrendered to it and allowed the tears to flow and release what I no longer wanted to hold onto.

I feel such deep gratitude for my brothers who walk this path with me, every day they give me the opportunity to remind myself of who I really am and hold the space for me to be truly authentic. Spirit has my back and when I remember that I know that nothing can hurt me.

Healing does not always look pretty but it is most definitely worth it.

With deepest gratitude,

Emily