A Way of Gently Letting Go, by Ludvig

I wrote the following text about a month ago, and then forgot about it. I read through it the other day and felt that I might as well share it. Also, the song “Stepping Stones” by Laura Schopen, which speaks so beautifully on the subject, came back into my mind yesterday through the collaboration project I have with Erik Archbold around the Strawberry 2013 CD (which is now available to buy online by the way). So I feel that now is a good time to share these thoughts.

A way of gently letting go

God’s Love for us is so intense that it will burn away everything in us that isn’t Love, instantly! All our false beliefs, fears, nightmares, doubts, insecurities – all of them gone in an instant! Actually, I’m told that they are already gone. They are all the past, and I just haven’t caught up with present reality yet. I haven’t yet accepted that God answered every thought of fear that ever seemed to exist, with His endless Love. And because I haven’t accepted God’s answer, I still perceive something other than Love. So it seems there are a lot of things to let go of – all of them thoughts, but some are experienced as forms and beings external to me. I’m often aware that I’m not feeling completely peaceful, but without being able to identify a specific upset. I feel Spirit giving me more general ways to approach this acceptance in my mind. One is to look very closely within, and admit to myself that I truly don’t know who or what I am (“…and therefore do not know where I am, what I am doing…”). I am not a person. We are not bodies. We are not people. We are not souls. We are the Christ! But what is that? As long as I think I know anything about what the Christ is – maybe something I read or heard someone say – I am still bound to concepts. And since no concept can be wholly certain, there will still be fear present in my experience.

Beliefs and concepts seems to protect us from the deepest core of our fear as long as we are still afraid of Knowing. I need to be willing to not believe anything about what the Christ is. Be willing to take that leap of faith; stepping into that complete uncertainty about who or what I am. Like a newborn baby, not knowing what anything is (including itself), not having any thoughts about past or future. Completely open to what is. I will have to let the image of myself fall apart and die. Frances described it as doing a “bungee jump”; jumping off the cliff and suddenly being in freefall – trusting that you will be pulled back up before you hit the ground. This image resonated with me. To do the jump requires full trust in the equipment. Here in the community, the “equipment” is the structure, the mighty companions and the symbols of Spirit, all providing a safe space for us to let go and jump. And every moment is an invitation to jump into that complete loss of conceptual identity. Truth never goes away. God doesn’t change His mind about me – I am the only one delaying the moment of release. And this is where the amazement really comes in for me now, because my fear of the Light is still too intense for me to do the jump, so I am given steps that I am fully capable of taking, right now. And with every step I take, I find that my trust in the process Spirit has given me increases, and I feel more willing to take another step. And another. And another (even if it feels like a stretch sometimes). And I guess one day I will jump, but I don’t really know anything about that, and I don’t have to. In fact, it feels better the less I know about that final step, the less I try to comprehend how that will be accomplished. I leave that to God.

In my past, I tried to reach that moment in meditation – to find that cliff in my mind and jump. It never seemed to make anything really shift for me, but the longing for it was always there so I would see it happening somewhere in the future. Trying to prepare for it by doing the right type of practice, listen to the right teachers, read the right books etc. Now, I find it so much more inspiring to be where I am, feel what I feel, express what wants to be expressed, and look for rest in giving in to my present experience, whatever it is. Sometimes it seems impossible to rest – the emotions are just too intense! But running to the past or the future doesn’t help anyway, so instead I look for relief in my next step, right here in this moment. So far, I am still here, and everything keeps on shifting and changing around me. I have symbols of great love and a deep desire for Truth in my awareness, some close to me right here in the community, some reaching further all across the world, and beyond… I feel gratitude for all of them.

Song: “Stepping Stones” by Laura Schopen