Only You Can Hear my Soul, by Petra

The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere,
they’re in each other all along.

Rumi

Frances asked me if I wanted to write another blogpost. I expressed that on one hand I didn’t want to send in old letters again but on the other hand I felt I wasn’t ready yet to write out straight from my heart. This can feel so naked, vulnerable and do I want that now? Right after expressing this I remembered a line Frances told me before: maybe when you just start writing?! After letting these tiny pearls carefully come out of her mouth she looked at me with her beautiful smokey moonlike eyes.

Yes a melting feeling, so gentle and so true. When I just start writing I often feel my heart pounding. It seems it will burst for sure if I do not continue to just move my fingers across the keyboard. It feels involuntary and it brings me to tears at times. Spirit comes whenever and always I open up just a tiny bit. He comes with all the love I can handle right now. And when I am scared or worried He’s still there loving me and with all His Might and you just have to deal with that dear Petal!

So different from my first love story experience. I was 17 and the love of my life was called Peter. We listened to Pink Floyd together a lot and we promised to think of each other each time we would hear ‘Wish You Were Here’. After our break up   ̶ in which I played a big role   ̶ I felt devastated for years. I surely thought Peter was the one and only source of my happiness and sadness. I kept looking for answers to this intense pain I experienced. Other dramatic love stories followed and at some point after yet another break-up I began to experience it as a washing away of stuff which was already there in my mind. This was when I found the Course and it all made so much sense to me.

Aaah, special relationships, my substitute for Love! And I could use these dramas as a way to reconnect to the Spirit, my True Love. There we all meet each other again and again and I am so happy we didn’t lose one single bit of the true love we’ve shared. Formless, moment-by-moment so fresh, new and exciting. It could be a few moments with a cute man in the house, it could be during a flowing kitchen team collaboration in a 3-some, it could be with a frog I just saved from drowning in the swimming pool. It can be with whatever loving thought comes into my mind. I surrender, feel the harsh constructs falling away like sandcastles dissolving with the tide. Sweet, sweet surrender aaaaaah…

Oh Beloved
Take me
Liberate my soul
Fill me with your love and
release me from the two worlds
If I set my heart on anything but You
Let fire burn me from inside

Oh Beloved
Take away what I want
Take away what I do
Take away what I need
Take away everything that takes me from You

Rumi