Frances led a powerful discussion of the film, To the Wonder
There was little conversation in the relationship, the dialogue was internal questioning, calling for love. There was a thirst for completion but it cannot be found in bodies, so love turns to hate.
The Wonder is the relationship with God, which we experience when we cease looking for it in specialness, in specifics. Her friend (Holy Spirit character) told her life is a dream and to free herself.
I found this discussion very helpful because as I listened to the dream like and almost ethereal voices speaking most of which I have met and spoken with at some point in time I felt like I was in the room and how I would feel and the thoughts that would run through my awareness with regards to that situation.
In particular the issue for me was a memory of one person expressing an attraction saying wistfully, “I guess I’m going to have to let you go.” That brings up that longing so strongly. I also felt that sense of a little miserable self concept that is amazed and delighted that anyone it perceives as ‘beautiful’ would want to be in relationship with it.
This typically is followed by feelings of being left out and loss in his not being in my life and a rejection in his not wanting to continue communication. As though the possibility of relationship was being dangled cruelly in front of me and then snatched away. As though to say, ‘Well wouldn’t this be nice, but ah well…’ All the while examples of others who were able to have a relationship would come vividly to mind. The clearest thought that I had was that I wanted to have a relationship with someone and God wouldn’t give me the satisfaction of that. But, even as I wrote the words, ‘I wanted to have a relationship with someone’ I can feel in my heart that it’s not what would make me happy or even help me at all. I’m noticing how the thoughts expressed above keep recurring every time I hear this person’s voice or any reference to him. It’s such an obvious example of the ego’s shaking and white fisted rage at God for not letting it have it’s way. To top it all off, I notice a feeling of shame around wanting something that I can’t have knowing that if I did seem to ‘have’ it I wouldn’t find satisfaction in it or even find that I really wanted it at all. It IS, as Anje shared, insidious! I think in a way, the shame that it’s shrouded in keeps it unexpressed and thus protected. It’s something that I feel is not often spoken about openly. Even this reply feels like more of a confession then a communication. It’s so amazing because even as this issue comes up for me it is being explored as the topic of discussion simultaneously even though I’m a continent away at a different time! It’s absolutely wonderful to watch how the Holy Spirit can reach us without the need for proximity or the boundaries of time and space! More proof, if you will that it’s all a dream.
THANK YOU for letting me expose and share some thoughts !!!
LOVE YOU!!!
Jessica
Yes, the desire for a magical relationship solution keeps coming around in my mind. Thank you for following that line of thought out. It brings me back to the question, “What do I really want?” Love you 🙂