Getting in Touch & Intimacy, by Petra

Self-concept, films
There has been a lot of intensity going round in La Casa lately. From my perspective it really started from Frances’ 4-day devotional, 3 weeks ago. It came to a climax after watching a series of movies around the self-concept; Shutter Island, Passengers, Passion of Mind and Sybil. Andy humorously summarized the first 3 films as follows: I am mad, I am dead and I don’t have a clue. Sybil – the fourth in the row – to me was about the rise and fall of a complex self-concept after a (severe) trauma, in order to survive. The main figure Sybil finds out – via a series of events – what’s love and what is not.

Watching experience
Except for the form of her trauma, I lost myself completely while watching and I identified myself with Sybil without giving it a second thought. For example, when Sybil was lying on her therapist’s couch, going back to her childhood memories, I did the same. It was as if I was really there at, let’s say, the age of 5. Of course I did have vivid memories before but I have never experienced something like this. At some point I noticed someone was crying quite loudly and I felt embarrassed and ashamed to discover right after that it was me. I felt so sad and it felt so good to be in close contact with it all. I couldn’t stop sobbing for hours. All situations in which I’ve felt overwhelmed or terrified in the past came up one after the other..

Although I think I had a pretty fine childhood and managed my stuff alright, I’ve had therapy a couple of times and I had a feeling I needed to do “my homework” in order to survive my daily life. What I felt while watching Sybil was like holding the safe hand of a lovely non-judgmental therapist – Spirit character – while going through it once again. I was completely worn out after this event for a day. I felt like barbwire, but with a strong feeling that something really good had happened.

Life is a Stage
In general I’ve noticed from being here that after a certain good time, in which I can bask in a sweet pool of happiness, all things work together towards yet another intense episode. It really took me by surprise how upset I was and how perfectly the others in the house behaved according to their appointed roles, “man how does he or she know that”?! This cannot be a coincidence. I mean in these cases it is as if the others were exact copies of the people from my past, really including everything: the things they do, the things they say, the way they clear their throats or whistle, their facial expressions, gestures etc. To me this feels like “you-can-go-anywhere-but-you-will-bring-your-mind-with-you” in practice.

Amplified Projection
I think I know some things around projection but in this setting I really cannot miss it. We are spending almost 24/7 with the twelve of us in this house according to a weekly schedule with assigned tasks. On paper it all might look highly closed down and structured, almost prison-like.

From inside it feels so good and freeing to me. At times I experience a thorough relaxation of my mind. At other times I feel a real great upset about someone or a certain situation. This house, this setting amplifies everything: sounds, dynamics, emotions and all the rest still left from old stuff. Everything comes out in a very intense way. I cannot escape from it and I’ve to deal with it right away otherwise it becomes unbearable.

Although I’ve done my utmost best in the past, I can clearly see I was and still am avoiding certain things and situations. I feel an inadequacy around coping with myself in relation to others in a true intimate way. By experimenting with joining in the Present, I can feel the joy, love and laughter which comes in at least for that moment. But it is very fresh and very new to me and almost too scary.
To be continued…