Why Am I Here?

Once the task was given to write a blog, my mind went into formulating one blog after the other, lovely ones it seemed, interesting ones. Now, when I have actually the possibility to sit in front of my computer, it gets blank. Nothing is here to be reported. I cannot remember what I was “writing” about in my mind but a feeling remains. I wanted it to be somehow impressive in order to get appreciation, recognition, love. But that is not what I am here for.

So, why am I here in beautiful Alozaina under the hot Spanish sun living in spiritual community? I am here in search of my true Self, to allow the actual experience to take place, to be open to whatever is happening, to merge with the beyond and to use all means available at my hand. No longer as a mental construct – like to see myself as the Son of God, holy, holy, holy. No, this sort of positive affirmations are no longer useful for me (at least at the moment), but to become truly aware of what is standing in the way of Love.

And there it is: the identification with the person, the little self, the self image. I once learned I have to forget myself in order to remember my Self. In spite of an endless amount of effort I never knew how to do it. Well, you know what, it cannot be done, but it can take place! It is given by Grace once I am ready to receive. When one of my fellow brothers expressed his not especially nice thoughts about me, this person literally collapsed, a door was pushed wide open and I entered into a completely new landscape of incomprehensible peace. But I should not talk about it. Who is that I that wants to speak about it. It seems like the ego rises from death rubbing its hands, taking credit saying we did it!

So, what can I speak about? Well I can raise the question: what does the identification with the person actually mean? To want it my way, to be right, to have opinions about each and everything, to like or dislike, the list is long, simply to be autonomous. This is what keeps the separation in place. Another aspect is the playing out of emotions, the needy-ness, wanting to be liked, appreciated, to be somebody. To drop all that causes fear, and the ego is very quick to use its best allies, guilt and shame.

The way our days are structured gives seemingly endless opportunities to take a good look at the construct of the little self. So many “I’s = voices,” as I want to call it, arise, like who are you to tell me? this could be done in a much more intelligent way, get off my back……. Each time one of these “I’s” appears it is time to step back, look at it, question it and choose again. Do I want to be right or happy??? I want to be HAPPY – and there it goes, diminishes into the nothingness it came from. What a blessing. We who are gathered here have all our issues. The chief feature of the individual ego becomes obvious, the wish to control, the wish to escape, the wanting to be liked, the wish to be a good boy/girl, the wish to be important and so on. All these manifestations can be traced back to the one and only error, the belief in separation. They all are a cry for love. And they all are reflections of my own mind. With the help of my brothers and sisters I get a real good look into my own mind.

Why am I here? To let go and to let God. Because this place is filled with love, light, and beauty. Another reflection of my mind. It provides a safe environment to dare to walk this path of inquiry. Whatever comes up is welcome, embraced, allowed to be. Not to dwell there in eternity but to move on to brighter ground. Thank you all my mighty companions. I love you all, in deep gratitude.